So I discovered that eHarmony has a section devoted to my personality profile, created based on what they think I am like. It's a little lengthy, but hopefully a quick read. While the main theme's fit, it's the sub-theme descriptions that I think really describe me, particularly:
*Modesty
*Social Awareness
*Perceptiveness
*Leader
*Offering a Good Word
Feel free to click the links to jump around the page, each section header will bring you back to the top. I am mostly just posting this here as an archive for myself, but maybe someone else will find the insight (or confirmation) interesting!
My 5 main themes and corresponding sub-themes:
-Agreeableness
--Modesty
--Generosity
--Social Awareness
-Openness
--Information Processor
--Inquisitive
--Perceptiveness
-Emotional Stability
--Anger Management
--Emotional Strength
--Ease with Others
-Conscientiousness
--Efficient
--Leader
--Planner
-Extraversion
--Adventure
--Offering a Good Word
--Take Charge
-=Agreeableness=-
-You Are Best Described As: Taking care of others and taking care of yourself.
-Words That Describe You:
*Fair
*Responsive
*Contemplative
*Considered
*Sensible
*Indulgent
*Collaborative
*Diplomatic
*Rational
-A General Description of How You Interact with Others:
You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.
You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.
When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.
You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.
-Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:
For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness.
For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble.
At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.
-Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:
Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself.
Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble.
Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.
-=Modesty=-
When you set your mind to it, and especially when your heart's in it, you listen carefully to the person in front of you and pay attention to their needs. With your closest friends or with a partner, what they say, what they want, whatever is on their minds matters to you. Which is where the part about "your mind" and "your heart" comes clear - you tell and show them you care.
If the person you're listening to isn't real close to you, you may not stay as focused on them. You may, sooner rather than later, turn the conversation to what's on your mind, not theirs. Ah, but if your heart's involved, it's a different matter. When you deeply care for someone, your thoughts will follow your affection toward whatever your friend or partner is saying, and you listen very carefully, very patiently. In these moments, it's not about who is getting to talk the most or whose needs are the focus of the conversation. You wrap your heart around whatever they have to share, and stay there, full of affection and attention.
The result is that because you listen and care, they will want to listen to and care for you as well. They trust your attention to be genuine; they can tell you're not trying to find fault with them or take advantage of what they tell you for your personal gain: the relational see-saw game of putting them down to elevate your own ego is not one you play. No, it's about them, not you. So they are willing to give back what they receive, and turn their attention to whatever it is you want or need to share.
But if your heart's not in it, it can be a different deal. Your mind wanders off of their concerns: "Is this a good use of my time? Don't they realize I've got my own life to take care of, not just theirs?" And you lose your focus on them. When your heart's not in it conversations drift off as your mind turns its attention from them to you, from them to something you need to be doing, from them to someone or something that you care about.
Maybe the smartest thing you can do, or at least the first thing, is to be aware of this in yourself. You know how to take care of other people. But it works best for you when the person in front of you is someone you've got your heart as well as your mind invested in. With others who you don't have deep feelings for it is difficult for you to keep your mind's huge capacity on them. Once you're aware of this, you may or may not choose to try to change it. But at least it will keep you from being confused about why you are or are not able to stay focused on the needs of this particular person.
-=Generosity=-
In the arithmetic of generosity you've found an equation that works pretty well for you. You know when taking care of others means lending a hand and when the best way to take care of them is to leave them alone and let them take care of themselves. You know when it's time to focus your kindness on them and when you need to turn your attention to yourself so that your own life stays sane and lively. You can be generous when generosity is called for but you are not indiscriminate with your generosity, doling it out when it isn't required. You give enough to help when help is needed, but you take enough time and keep enough of your resources to insure that your own life goes well. Such is the arithmetic of your generosity.
Since you know how to be generous, it is curious that you stop short of giving all you've got. It's as if you are afraid that you might deplete yourself, as if there's not enough in you, not enough of you to let your generosity run free. Or perhaps your caution has as much to do with your view of other people as with your fear of emptying yourself. Maybe you have a genuine concern that people will become dependant if you offer them too much, and that what they should do most of the time is dive down into their own treasure chest of time and energy and inner resources and pull up what they need to get through. Perhaps it's both: you don't want to run dry, and you want other people to find their solution in themselves and not from you. Whatever the case, it is curious that you have more to give than you give.
Your closest friends and your partner may alternate between genuine gratitude and confusion. Gratitude, because when you come through for them, you come through big time: you show up, you stay, you give what you've got, and they thrive. Confusion, because there are times when you don't show up, or show up only briefly or with little in your hands, and slide off to take care of yourself while they're still trying to climb out of whatever ditch they've fallen into. When you're there for them, you're really there, and they're grateful. But it's confusing when you don't show up; they wonder where you are and why you're not there when they need you.
Still, the arithmetic works for you. You give what you can, but not more than you can. For the rest, you want people to take care of themselves, use their own resources and not just yours. This equation keeps you close enough to know what intimacy is, but sane and lively in your own life as well.
-=Social Awareness=-
"Who are you?" Whether or not we ask the question directly, one of the things we want to know about the person in front of us is who they really are. If we can figure that out, we know whether we can trust them and whether we want to spend much time getting closer. It's difficult to know someone if they keep a bunch of stuff hidden, like what they really think or believe, or how they really feel. With these people, answering the "Who are you?" question is a trek through a dark forest of innuendo and misdirection.
But not with you. You are who you say you are. You believe what you say you believe. When someone wants to know what you think or feel, you tell them, and what you tell them is the direct truth. Even if you have something that most people would hide, you put it out there; you're not afraid to share what some people refer to as "the dark side" that is in each of us.
Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. You are very open, but there are some things about yourself you hold onto. You're selective about which truths you share, at least initially. You have to make your way to a pretty deep trust before you tell some truths, like those "dark side" truths. But usually, you get there; in time, you muscle up the courage to get in touch and own up to what's really going on.
If you're selective at first about which truths to share, you're also selective about whom you share with. Maybe it's experience that taught you, or maybe just your intuition, but you sense when someone is or is not trustworthy. If they're not, you know how to keep the cards well hidden: let out enough truth about yourself to keep it interesting, but nothing that could get you in trouble. It's not a sport for you, but you can play the game if you have to. But when someone close to you proves to be reliable, it's "game over" for hiding, and you let whatever is inside you out into the conversation. No wonder these relationships with your closest friends and your partner can get so intimate; when you're willing to be so candid, it elicits candor from them, and the intimacy gets deeper and deeper.
-=Openness=-
-Words That Describe You:
*Original
*Brave
*Out-of-Touch
*Inventive
*Eccentric
*Unique
*Thinker
*Avant-Garde
-A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences:
You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.
You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.
-Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking:
You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.
For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.
-Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:
Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.
A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.
After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.
-=Information Processor=-
You are very effective at processing information. This must mean that at least these two things are true of you: you love the rush of all this data, the flow of information coming at you day by day, and you have confidence in your ability to take it all in, sort it out and use it wisely. Because you love the rush and have the confidence, you are unafraid of the vast flow of information. It may surprise you to know that not everyone faces this onslaught with the pleasure you find in it. Some people are taken aback at the thought of another morning with dozens of emails, a Blackberry humming, instructions to submit a new proposal by noon, and a phone that seems to have no silent moment. But what they avoid you embrace, curious to find the pieces that fill out the current puzzle you are solving with the data rushing through your high-speed processor of a brain.
In the right job or the right relationship this ability will be a great asset. Your colleagues, your closest friends and your partner will appreciate that you take in what they tell you; you are someone who not only pays attention you remember what you have been told. And because you catch on quickly and analyze clearly, your responses to them will usually be on target in terms of what the information means and how it can be best used.
Two things to watch out for. First, don't expect your colleagues and friends to process as much information as quickly as you do. You are so exceptional in this area that you won't meet many people who are your match. So cut them some slack. Should you fail to do this you'll have expectations of them they cannot meet and this will lead to frustration for them as well as for you. They'll think you're either arrogant or impatient or both, and you'll consider them either slow-thinking or lazy when in fact they are closer to the norm than you just not in your exceptional category in this skill.
Second, if you live and work in a structure where you have to pass things to someone else - a work colleague or your children or a friend you're collaborating with - be careful not to flood them with more than they can handle. Remember, you are able to take the rush of information and process it quickly while they are can handle less and will take more time. Don't drown them with what you pass on.
On the whole, however, this quality is a real strength for you, so continue to develop ways to use it wisely on your own behalf and on behalf of those you work and live with. If you do this it will be an asset for everyone.
-=Inquisitive=-
You are the inquisitive child who never stopped asking "Why?" Well into adulthood you still have an insatiable curiosity about the way the world works and why people behave in certain ways and not in others. Where most people would ask a question, get an answer and be satisfied, you press on. "Why do men and women deal differently with problems between them?" "Men are problem solvers and want to find a solution, while women are more interested in relating so they want to talk things through." Enough for some people. Ah, but you want to know, "Is this a difference in their brain structure, or is this something learned through cultural influences?" Probably some of each. Enough then, right? Not so fast. "But why don't cultures just alter the way we nurture women and men and try to resolve this difference?" And on and on and on. Why? Why? Why?
Your curiosity keeps you stimulated, keeps you thinking and exploring and growing. You're always seeking out new facts, or new interpretations of known facts, or new comparisons of various interpretations. . . . .well, you get the point. You just keep pushing out the edges of the envelope, hungering for more information, more understanding. All of this makes you a very interesting person. You are lit up with your own curiosity; your mind is lively, your imagination always switched on, and you consistently have new insights that captivate you.
Most of the time, your friends and colleagues are fascinated with what you bring to the conversation. Like few in the group, you have a way of taking conversations to a higher level by asking - and sometimes answering - questions no one else is dealing with and pushing everyone forward toward new knowledge. In your work environment your inquisitiveness requires the entire team to think outside the box, to be restless with what is now routine and willing to explore another way to make the product or offer the service. Among your friends and with your partner you are the one who gets everyone to consider a different approach to recurring problems or a different way to understand why you love one another and what it means to make commitments for the long run.
But sometimes enough is enough. You exhaust the curiosity of others even as you're moving on to the thirteenth level of Why. They're ready to settle in to some boring conversation about ordinary stuff because their brains are worn out by your questions. "Give it a rest" is what they think, whether they say it or not.
So you've got to be discreet with your inquisitiveness. On your own, have at it as long as you wish. But in the company of others learn when you've gone far enough and need to back off. Your curiosity is one of your great gifts to your work colleagues, your friends and even your partner and you don't want to spoil the gift by wearing out its welcome.
-=Perceptiveness=-
When P. T. Barnum said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time" he didn't take you into account. You are nearly impossible to fool. You quickly pick up the difference between someone selling an honest product and a peddler hawking the current rendition of snake oil. You aren't fooled by some photo opportunity posing as an important moment or your partner's subtly twisted logic to explain why they arrived late to the restaurant or the credit-card bill didn't get paid. Barnum didn't get it; you are nobody's fool.
Your quick mind and keen eye serve not only to protect you from cheats and swindlers but also help you to make the best of constructive moments. In a conversation with someone you care about you pick up the details as well as the main themes; you catch the whole range of what they're trying to tell you and they come away with the gratification of having been truly heard. In the complex environment of your work circumstances you can juggle lots of information about a variety of projects and keep all the balls in play. Because you pay such close attention seldom do you drop an important bit of what's going on. Even out among 'em in the public sphere you seem to catch not only the obvious meaning of events but also the nuances, those subtle shades of true and false that help you make good judgments and keep the public snake-oil peddlers from slipping one by you.
Not very often, but once in a while you'll get fooled. Maybe you weren't paying attention or you didn't think it was a moment of enough importance to keep your mind's eye open; nevertheless you wound up with your pants around your ankles or some elixir in your glass that wasn't as advertised. Learn from it. Even the most benign circumstances deserve your best attention so you can be of use to whomever you are attending to and so you can deny the next Barnum the satisfaction of fooling even almost-never-fooled you.
-=Emotional Stability=-
-Words That Describe You:
*Emotional
*Sensitive
*Insightful
*Self-conscious
*Perceptive
-A General Description of Your Reactivity:
Each one of us encounters some hard times; we get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of emotion, whether from fear, joy, anger or sadness. Life is just like this sometimes. You know that because you are an emotional person. Some people go to great lengths to keep their emotions under wraps, to keep a stiff upper lip, to not let others know what emotions they are feeling. But that is not you. You embrace all of life's emotions, both the joys and the turmoil that life brings our way.
When you're having fun with a group of friends you don't even try to contain your pleasure; you laugh hard and feel every moment of the conversation because of the joy that comes from the experience. You make very intense friendships; ones where all of the depth of emotions that you feel can be shared. Emotions are such an essential part of your everyday life. You may cry at intense movies or when watching a sad story on the evening news. You get angry, at others or at yourself, and you do not stifle it. Emotions drive your personality and your relationships - you simply are what you feel.
You experience both the highs and the lows more profoundly than most. And you usually relish the intensity of your emotions. For sure you enjoy the positive times. There are those times, though, when your feelings get the best of you and you wonder how you will manage the moment. But because you are so in tune with all of your emotions you will experience something very pleasant and will be able to engage with that positive feeling to again enjoy the wonderful intensity that life brings you.
-Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:
If we were to ask you what negative reactions may result from your approach to your emotions, it would likely be that some people find it hard to deal with your strong feelings. They might think of you as emotionally "over the top," and wish you would be more like those who are always emotionally composed and less prone to fully engage their emotions.
-Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:
Despite any negative reactions others may have toward you, many people will be grateful for your strong emotions and your willingness to experience these emotions. They will appreciate the candor with which you express even your deepest feelings, feelings they themselves might want to express but may find difficult to share. Your openness will be an encouragement to them as well. Still others may find your intensity compelling; they feel emotionally flat, and you could be a burst of passion in their dull worlds, and an encouragement to them to "get with" their own feelings. Any or all of these people will be grateful for a friend who is so emotionally present.
-=Anger Management=-
You may have a friend like Katie KaBoom or Bob the Bomb-Thrower, people who just can't manage their way through a disagreement without blowing up emotionally and sometimes blowing up a friendship. Maybe you grew up in a family or with a friend like this. Because they cannot control their anger their anger controls them; at times it seems that anger controls their lives, defining who will or will not be their friend or their partner, who will or will not remain their colleague at work, who will or will not put up with one more meal or one more evening littered with the debris of their explosive anger.
You've made the decision over and again: no matter how upset you get - and you do get upset - you will not revert to this kind of behavior. You've seen the damage, sometimes been part of it yourself perhaps, and you want no more of it. You know you're capable of angry expression; you can feel the rumble when someone crosses you, the heat rising when a discussion of differences slides into an argument. Maybe on occasion you've let your defenses down, shouted out "To hell with you' just like Katie or Bob would do, and then felt terrible in the aftermath. So you've learned: keep it under control so that your anger doesn't control you.
That's a good decision every time you make it, and a good strategy for giving relationships a better chance to succeed. A person may win an argument, but no relationship does; if there's a winner and a loser in an argument, the relationship loses. With someone you care about it's better to walk away when the temperature climbs than to let things come to a boil. And with someone who doesn't matter, why waste your emotional energy - not to mention your character - for something of so little value? So even if your friends or your partner try to provoke you into giving in to the anger both you and they know is in you, resist. Wait out the rise in temperature; then you will be able to talk out whatever the problem is and perhaps come to some mutual resolution, something that never - really, never! - happens in an argument.
-=Emotional Strength=-
Most of the time you manage to make it through even the most difficult situations. You've survived the break-up of relationships or the loss of a friend or battles in your family or conflicts at work. You somehow manage to gather your inner resources, keep yourself from panicking, and find your way through. Maybe on occasion you collapse; you crawl under the covers for three days, turn the electric blanket up to ten, suck your thumb and sleep until the panic subsides. But not very often. Usually you're up and at it and head straight for the problem, using your brains and your character and your imagination and getting control of your life again.
A word about those times when you lose control. Have you ever tried to figure out what it is about those rare times when you don't do so well? Maybe there's a pattern; maybe they involve a certain kind of person, or a situation that calls for a response you're not very good at - you need to fight for your rights and you don't like to fight, or it's something in your family and your family never allows you to assert yourself. Something like that. It's worth figuring out, if you can, which situations give you the most trouble and how you might cope with them more effectively.
It's also worth knowing where your strength comes from. Maybe you got it from a family that cherished you and challenged you and taught you what you were capable of, or maybe you struggled early on and learned to make your way with ingenuity and imagination until you came to believe in yourself. Now you've had enough experience with surviving, even thriving, to trust that you will make it through most situations.
Here's another thing you've probably already learned. You need friends, or at least one friend, who is very much like you, not necessarily in their opinions or beliefs or the clothes they wear but in their ability to make it through difficult times. Someone you can count on to understand what's happening when the bottom drops out for you, and whom you can lean on as you make your way up out of the ditch. It is a sign of your strength, not your weakness, that you cultivate a friendship with just such a person so that, when you have to, each of you has the other to rely upon.
A word of warning. Some people - maybe some of your friends, or even your partner - are always looking for someone to pick up part of their load in life, either because they cannot carry it or they're just not willing to exert the effort it would take. Be careful. You're strong but you're not invincible, something you know from those rare occasions when you wind up curled up under the blanket looking out at the world. You do neither yourself nor your friends a favor by taking on more than you can or should handle. So use your great strength wisely, and both you and those around you will continue to benefit from it.
-=Ease with Others=-
When some people leave the house in the morning the thought they carry out the door is, "Be careful". Not you. "Have a great time" is more like it. After all, there are people out there to meet who are interesting, even if they're strangers to you. And who knows what new adventure awaits you at work or where you stop on the way home? As long as you open yourself to whatever comes, what you say to yourself walking out the door may describe what actually happens: you have a great time.
You're not about to be duped, you aren't careless. You know that life can be dangerous. Thoughtless drivers, irresponsible colleagues, truly dangerous thugs, ill people who don't know that they're spreading whatever they carry. You're cautious enough to be on guard when you wade into contact with these people. But with you, it's caution, not fear. You want to be careful around these people, but you're not frightened of them, or of the world in general.
Because you are not afraid but expectant, you have more, and more varied, experiences than most other people. You'll try new restaurants or weekend vacation spots, introduce yourself to strangers, even some of the strangest of them, and trust people even before they've earned your trust, just because you're that kind of person. Some of your friends may admire and try to emulate your gregarious way with the world. But others, who are more motivated by fear than you are, will hold back and play it safe. This may create some friction between you and them, which you'll have to talk through. The secret to success in these conversations is to understand and respect one another, even in your differences, and to realize the futility of trying to make the other person more like you.
Lucky you. You step into each day with the expectation that you're going to meet people with whom you will have a good time, and more often than not that's what the day provides. It's great to live without unnecessary fear, and to enjoy life as much as you do. Again, lucky you.
-=Conscientiousness=-
-Words That Describe You:
*Deliberate
*Determined
*Methodical
*Careful
*Proactive
*Perfectionist
*Regimented
*Obliged
*Purposeful
-A General Description of How You Interact with Others:
Everybody knows they can count on you to do what you promise to do, be where you say you'll be "on time" and finish what you start. If you say you'll chair the committee, you'll come with an agenda and a clear outline of the tasks to be accomplished, give everyone a chance to speak their minds, and then call for a vote on each issue, schedule the next meeting, hand out assignments and adjourn at the appointed time.
You like order and discipline, and use these to methodically accomplish whatever goals you have set for yourself and for others. And you have a strong sense of obligation if you accept responsibility, you are proactive; you take it on with a single-minded commitment, as if you've pledged your allegiance to the assigned task. People know that they can depend on you.
Your personal life is also one of order and discipline. You are likely to have a pretty firm schedule, and to stick to it. You make time for your friends, but not at the expense of your work duties. You can be talkative and funny in social situations, but seldom out of control.
In fact, you are pretty careful; you seldom, if ever, cross the line into impulsive behavior, and you are even careful to control how much of your inner world you disclose, even to your close friends. You keep yourself in check because you don't want whatever mess might be inside you to leak out into conversation or make a mess of a relationship.
There are things to accomplish in life, both at work and in your social world, and you don't want to let unnecessary clutter hamper your drive to get all of it done, and done well.
-Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:
It's not hard to imagine one of your friends or colleagues saying, probably under their breath, "Just once I wish you'd be late to something, or wear the wrong clothes, or trip over your own feet. You seem so tightly put together that, just once, I'd like to see you explode, in laughter or anger or . . . anything."
In part, they may be envious. You get so much done, and done so well, that they might feel they never measure up. Your discipline and sense of duty put them to shame. But it may also be that they sense that beneath that single-minded and orderly demeanor of yours is a complex and sometimes complicated person whom they'd like to know, not so they can make fun of you but so they can share their perplexed humanity with you and get you to share your complexity with them. They might wish you were less cautious, and therefore, more accessible to their friendship.
-Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:
"If we want something done, we know whom to call." Most of your friends and colleagues will learn to count on you, and they will appreciate you for this reliability.
If they get off track in a work situation, they'll turn to you because they know you've got the goal clearly in view and you're moving toward it with that characteristic discipline of yours. You'll help get them back on track. If they need a personal friend to count on, they know you'll show up when you say you'll be there, dig in to whatever the common task is, whether it's planning a party, organizing the garage, or working through a financial mess, and see it through to completion.
For anyone in trouble, you are the proverbial "friend in need". Many of your friends will see you as an example that they seek to emulate. When they get disorderly or disorganized, they can watch how you live and work, and find in you a mentor in self-discipline.
They might well admire not just your ability to get to the goal or your single-minded drive, but also the underlying quality of your character; they will see your sense of duty to yourself, to life's tasks, and to your friendships, and admire and imitate these qualities in you. Your focused life will be a guide to them when they get themselves so out of focus that they don't know where they're going.
-=Efficient=-
Somewhere inside your brain someone hung a neon sign that reads A Place for Everything, and Everything in its Place. So as soon as you open your mind's eye it lights up: the organizing principle you live by. If it belongs on the shelf and not in the closet, put it on the self. If the desk drawer is too full, sort stuff out and throw away what's unnecessary so you can use the drawer properly. If the tires are out of line get them aligned and balanced. If the day's work leaves that mess of a pile where you want to work tomorrow, straighten it up before you think about sleeping. That way when you close your eyes at night the sign turns off and you sleep like a baby.
And if you don't get it done - if for some unforeseen reason there's unfinished business from the day - somewhere around two thirty-seven in the morning your brain monitor flips the switch, the neon glows, and you're awake: A Place for Everything, and Everything in its Place interrupts another night's sleep. You can't help it. You didn't implant that sign; it seems to have been there when your brain was born as far as you can tell. That's right, you're one of those people whose mind requires order in order to function smoothly. Straight lines and clean desks and things done on schedule and, Ahhhh!, your brain can relax. But clutter and chaos and not on time, and your brain throws the switch and your eyes pop open. You can't help it; it's no more of a choice than the color of your eyes.
The good news for you is that yours is usually a gentle tyrant. Some people get so stressed by disorder they can't function until everything is in place. You can function; even if some stuff got left undone and you lost a little sleep, your brain doesn't trash you completely. You wake up, for sure; but you'll probably get back to sleep. You worry through the weekend about what got left on the desk on Friday, but you still enjoy the hike or the evening out with friends. And - good for you! - you don't let your unfinished business spoil it for the people you're with. You may get distracted for a moment, but soon you return to the conversation. "Nothing, really. I was just thinking about something. So, how was your trip to..." And you're back. If anyone suffers from what's left undone, it's you. You're as gentle on others as your tyrant-brain is on you.
-=Leader=-
You can take it or leave it. If they need someone to be in charge and you know something about the lay of the land, you'll raise your hand and point the way and others will line up behind you. Or you feel fine if someone else gets their hand up first; they probably know this issue better than you do, have some experience in making important decisions, and deserve to have you and others go in what they decide is the best direction to take. You can lead or follow, whichever place in the group you're best suited for at the moment.
Maybe this flexibility about leadership suits you because you know yourself so well. You've been at it long enough to know what you're good at and when you're just upper-mediocre; you've got some clear strengths, but you also lack either the brains or the charisma or the vision to take charge in certain situations, and you are fine with that. If this is so, no wonder you're comfortable either leading or following. But maybe it's something else; maybe you're stronger than you let on, and you just don't want the responsibilities of leadership. You're smart enough, people trust you, you know how to make decisions, but you just don't want the job. Maybe you got burned in a leadership role and don't want to risk it again, or maybe you'd rather go about the business that really interests you, even if it means leaving the group looking for the leader you refuse to be. When the opportunity to lead presents itself and you choose instead to follow, are you aware of what's going on inside you that governs this decision? It's probably worth exploring, so at least you know why you do what you do when you say Yes or No to leadership.
Another thing. Other people may like the fact that you are willing to follow even though you and they know you're also capable of leading. They may want the leadership role at times, and will appreciate you deference. Or they may agree that someone else in the group is the more natural leader than either they or you are, and by deferring you actually help the group get the best leader available. But they may also get confused by you: one time you lead, and do it well; another time, when they may look to you for leadership, you stare at your shoes instead of raising your hand and they can't figure out what to make of you. "Sometimes Yes, sometimes No. Which is it? Can we or can we not count on you as one of the leaders in this group?"
It might help, especially with those you live very close with or work with day by day, to talk candidly about you and them and leadership. If they understand how you approach roles it might keep them and you from confusion about your place in the crowd. And you could learn something about yourself as a leader from the feed-back they give you; they may think of you as better as a leader than you think of yourself, or - and wouldn't this be awkward - they may advise you to keep your hand down because there are others who do the job more effectively. But isn't it best to get as many perspectives as possible?
-=Planner=-
Around the same time each year you buy yourself a new planner, or sit down in front of a scheduling program and, when you can find an hour of the time between meetings and social events you organize dates that are already committed: monthly meetings of various work and volunteer organizations, the date of your cousin's wedding, tentative vacations plans to ski for a weekend in January and take two weeks in the summer somewhere where it's warm. Then week by week, or sometimes every two weeks, you keep the planner up to date with stuff that comes up at work, dates with friends, a concert you bought tickets for and need to find a friend to take, reminders of your parents' anniversary, various birthdays and baby showers - the dedicated times that form the skeleton you hang the flesh and blood of your life on.
Maybe the person you're closest to at work or your best friend or your partner is a little more organized than you are; they've written in lunch commitments two months in advance, every staff meeting at work, and notes to themselves to read for an evening or hike on a Saturday: they've lined out their lives on the pages of their planner. You're more willing than they are to make up most of it as you go along; you plan enough not to miss the essential commitments, but then keep yourself flexible so you can respond in a day - or sometimes in an hour, or a few minutes - to something that comes up. And you're comfortable with this much order combined with this much spontaneity. You don't forget important things, but you allow yourself the breathing room to say Yes or No depending upon what comes walking toward you.
This doesn't make you a flake, or mean that you're irresponsible. In fact you are at your most efficient and productive, make your best contributions and find the greatest satisfaction precisely because you have just enough structure to know where you're going and enough freedom to take your time with work or friends, respond when something unexpected comes along, and really concentrate on what's in front of you without being distracted by some note in your calendar reminding you to run off to the stationary store because you'll run out of supplies by a week from Friday.
People with more detailed plans might find you frustrating; when they can answer immediately Yes or No to an invitation weeks in advance just by checking their well-documented calendars, you have to say, "I'm not sure, let me get back to you". But frankly, that's the best response for you. You need the time, because you always want room to commit or not commit, depending upon what emerges as the next best use of your time and energy. This is in fact one of your great strengths; you know how to marshal your resources and allot time and energy in ways that keep you both productive and happy. Enough planning to know the general lay of the land, and enough flexibility to change directions or priorities: it works very well for you.
So at the same time next year you'll buy your annual planner, find an hour sooner or later, and go through this ritual of ordering your life just enough to keep yourself on track but not so much that you give up the freedom to say Yes to something new that seems in the moment to be exactly what you want to do.
-=Extraversion=-
-Words That Describe You:
*Moderate
*Temperate
*Civil
*Amiable
*Relaxed
*Uncommitted
*Laid-back
*Poised
*Pleasant
-A General Description of How You Interact with Others:
Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!
Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.
You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!
-Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:
You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with.
And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.
-Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:
Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane.
You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.
-=Adventure=-
When the band's signature anthem starts near the end of the concert you're not the first one on your feet waving a candle or a lighter (you probably don't own a lighter!) and belting out the chorus. But once a few people rise, you're up and singing. When someone suggests the group try the Afghani restaurant and they pass the aushak and the sabsi, you aren't the first one to take a bite but, if no one who takes a taste groans, you'll put a bit on your fork and nibble. You're not the one trying to persuade others to try the next new thing, but if someone else stirs up the tribe you'll get in line.
When it comes to new adventures, you can follow someone else's lead and find your way into whatever new experience awaits you, but you're not the leader of the pack or the life of the party. If you wind up on the dining room table dancing with a lampshade on our head it's because the whole group is up there, everyone having followed the lead of that charismatic fool who is always the first one to try it, whatever it is. It's not that you lack courage; you just don't have the need. You are as comfortable in a quiet gathering as at a bash, and would just as soon sit with one or two friends on the edge of the chaos, talking quietly while the weirdos bounce around the room. You have an unusual ability to enjoy whichever direction the group takes.
This makes you great company. For your quieter friends who shun adventure, you are a welcome companion who, if they run out of much to say, will jump-start the next subject and carry the conversation until they're back in rhythm. One on one with a more venturesome friend, you're up for most of what they want to try; where they lead you'll follow and enjoy whatever they choose for the next new experience in the friendship.
You may get out of sorts occasionally if the experience is either too wild or too tame. You just aren't interested in the most daring - to you, the most dangerous - ventures some of your friends will try. Nor do you like to sit, then sit some more, simply talking away a weekend; you want at least some action and you'll take the lead to break up what seems to your terminal boredom. But you're usually pretty gentle with your friends; you don't castigate the more venturesome nor humiliate the quiet ones. You just nudge yourself into a more satisfying position when the people you're with start to make you uncomfortable.
You will probably struggle if you wind up with a partner who is on either extreme. Someone too venturesome will leave you in the lurch too often or, to turn it around, you'll leave them to their own weird choices. Someone too introverted and inactive will bore you to tears before mid-afternoon, and you'll wind up frustrated with one another more often than deeply gratified. So be wise and careful in choosing both a partner and your closest friends; you need these most special people to be more in the middle, where you are, when it comes to just how much adventure and how much stillness they desire.
-=Offering a Good Word=-
"How do I look in this outfit? Do you think it fits me well?" The test! Whether with friends or your partner, this is the moment we dread. If we respond positively the come-back is often, "Are you just saying that?" If we respond critically the reaction is something between irritation and the end of the affair. You have the ability, even in this dreaded circumstance, of finding the good word. You know you won't be critical; it's just not in your character to talk like that. You will find some way to make the other person feel good about who they are because that too is characteristic of you. And you're smart enough to know that this situation is not at the top of the ethical scale of honesty and lying. If you're in front of a judge and a jury you tell the whole truth and nothing but, and even there you'd find a way to say the truth kindly. But this is no courtroom, it's an intimate moment, and the truth in the intimate moment is that the relationship trumps any objective criteria. So: "Fabulous. You look fabulous, and it fits perfectly." That's what you'd say.
You've learned over time to speak kindly. You find the right word to let your friends or your partner of even strangers know the best things you feel or believe about them. You have opinions, of course, and you hold strong beliefs, but the first thing out of your mouth in response to what someone says is not a contradiction to or a complaint about what they've said. You find a compliment either for what they've said or how they've said it, and you mean what you say. It may not be the whole truth but it's the truth that matters to you between you and the person in front of you.
Hopefully you are as kind toward yourself as you are toward others; hopefully your inner dialogue with yourself is as laced with positives as are your conversations with those you love. This may be an issue. Some people speak kindly and believe what they say about others, but their kindness toward others comes in part as a comparison with their more hostile feelings about themselves. You may want to check this out. There's an easy test: do you use the same vocabulary toward yourself that you use toward others? If not, why not?
It's a choice for you. You're no stranger to the dark side in people or a fool about the mix of glory and vanity in most folks. You've just made the choice to go with the up-side and developed a vocabulary of kindness which you use with great mastery. You know how to curse and contradict; you simply choose not to and instead do your best in most situations to find precisely the good word to share. It's a very positive way to engage others and a kind way to treat yourself as well.
-=Take Charge=-
As a leader you're something of an enigma. In some situations you will state your case, lay out your plan and lead the way. In other circumstances you shove your hands in your pockets, press your lips together and wait for someone else to say, "Let's go this way". In some situations you stand up for yourself even against the strong or manipulative voices of people in charge. In other circumstances you appear to let people shove you around as if you have too little self-respect or just don't care enough to fight for what you believe in and who you are. Sometimes a strong leader, sometimes a passive follower. You are an enigma as a leader.
Why the inconsistency? Perhaps it depends upon the people you're with. If there's a particularly strong leader in the crowd you slide toward the margin and let them take over. You're not someone to challenge someone bent on leading. But if the person or group you're with has no other clear leader you'll step up, make the call and lead the way. Or maybe it depends upon the circumstance. If the decision to take charge is about something you're very good at, no problem: you voice your opinion with confidence, win the debate with less convincing points of view and lead the way.
Maybe the different styles arise not because of the people you're with or the problem you're dealing with but from some uncertainty inside you. On your best days your anxiety is at rest; you can assert yourself with confidence and trust your opinions and your decisions. On other days, when the worry monster rattles its chains in the basement, you're reluctant to take charge for fear that you'll walk in the wrong direction or lead the group into a ditch on the side of the road.
This inconsistency may be confusing to your friends and your partner. Since you take leadership on occasion they may identify you as someone whom they can trust to take charge. On those good days you come through for them. But on days when you're passive and waiting for someone else to lead they wonder where you've gone. With your closest friends and especially with your partner it will be important to talk through what you know about yourself as a leader. If you can figure out your own inconsistency and share with them what you discover, both you and they will avoid the worst of the frustrations that come when you rotate between being out front and waiting for someone else to lead.
